drawing the line of insanity

they all want a front seat when shit starts going down.

2009-02-26T20:35:00.002-05:00

So to all people who read this blog. Bad news. I don't know how much writing I am going to put up here. ok. here's the story. A guy that I talked to over a year ago started talking to me one day about two weeks ago. He started telling me about how he entered a poem I wrote into contest and won 100 dollars. He used my poetry to pass his English class in college. when I got pissed at him, he said that I should be really happy that my poems were good enough for a college class. Yeah...sweet boy right? Too bad the poem he had SUCKED. haha. I don't really know what to do. I'm figuring it out. So for the time being you wont be seeing any new poems or writing. Which I am kinda disappointed because I have been writing a lot of my new book lately and I kinda wanted to share a bit of it. I might later. Who knows.

The weird thing is my feelings about him taking it. It is really like he just took a part of me and was "like eh. whatever she'll never know." I feel used. Not that its stopping me. But its still like ehhhh. anyway.

"Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made."
Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism

and you'll soon forget me, if you have any sense.

2009-02-01T12:18:00.004-05:00

I read some writing at an open mic last night for the first time ever. YAY! I was sooo nervous, but my friends who were very nervous for me said I did amazingly well. I'll take their word for it. I read a section of a holocaust journal that I wrote last year for an English class. It was bloody and gruesome. Hey nothing like some good blood at a calm open mic! What was really funny, the girl who annouced me was like now we will have some "soothing writing from Elise". Soothing was the wrong word. Like the audience was probably thinking some nice prose about autumn days. WRONG. Its more like some nice prose about death and pain!....yeah thats just sooooo soothing (sarcasm there).

I went to a Jason Anderson concert a few days ago. If this man ever comes to the town you live in. GO. He is very like relaxed and chill. He plays amongst the crowd sometimes. He asks everyone to sing. We were right in front of him. He had everyone move forward so we were all pressed against each other. It was really just awesome. Like it was just a moment where I forgot everything about school and projects and SATs and all that crap. I just was me and some friends singing really loud about loving and tonight and YEAH! I'll post a video of my favorite song that he performed. This isn't the show I was at but it was my favorite song he did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vykDN86N9o&feature=related

Lately I have been listening to Brand New constantly. I love them. My friend Steve talked about them for months before I actually sat down and listened. Now I just can't stop. :)

LIST TIME!
this list will be bands that I have been addicted to over the last month.

Amanda Palmer- I love her so much. She is really brillant. If you are into The Dresden Dolls and don't know that she had a solo album (Who Killed Amanda Palmer). You should be looking her up right now.

Brand New- I'm listening to them NOW! haha

Mewithoutyou - I didn't like this band at first, but they have this distinct sound that kept talking to me. I haven't stopped listening.

Jukebox the Ghost- I found this band via myspace. They are on my top 3 favorite bands. I would check them out if you like poppy happy sounding music with an edge. Even if you don't listen anyway.

Gaslight Anthem- love. thats all I have to say. love.

Emilie Autumn - I don't know why I like her so much. Its like goth electronic meets the 1800's.

Murder by Death- deep, dark, moody.

Jason Mraz - if you only know "I'm Yours" you are missing the good Jason Mraz. Coyotes is an awesome song.

it wont take long to get where I'm going

2009-01-27T21:22:00.004-05:00

So I saw Les Chansons D'amour!!! I have been waiting to see this movie since I saw the trailer for it sometime last year. Then my dearest friend Hilary bought it. It came in yesterday I watched it with her. So all the waiting was totally worth it. This movie is awesome. Now for me there is a difference between a really good movie and an emotionally moving movie. A really good movie I like and think oh I like this this and this about it. I watch it a few times and always enjoy it. An emotionally moving movie, I watch it and I think that was amazing. Then hours later I'm still sitting there thinking that way amazing. I can't stop thinking about. I just want to write for hours I get stuck in that movie for days. That is Les Chansons D'amour for me. Its a beautiful blend of so much. There is love. There is loss. There is grief. There is pain. There is happiness. It is just awesome. It is very foreign with the whole menage trois and the some gay relationship thrown in there. Then just the way everything is thrown together. all very foreign film. totally worth seeing. I give it four stars.

I think I'll wait another year.

2009-01-18T22:03:00.004-05:00

I spent this weekend with friends. It was a much needed break from my family. I love them, but its just an overload with all the change that is happening.

So I opened my sent email folder the other day and found that I have never deleted a single sent mail. I had every single email that I had ever sent. Sadly it was only about 1500 something. I have had it for like three years. yeah. anyway. the point of that is I could look at myself from a few years ago and see how much differenet I am now. It also makes me see how much I am the same. I hate looking at how much I am the same. I am so paranoid. Its not even healthy. Well, enough of that.

I have love for falling snow. I don't like it as much when its on the ground and not falling from the sky. When its falling from the sky its peaceful. Slow. I like it when it falls slowly. Like its taking its time to hit the ground. Its no rush to get anywhere. Its relaxed. We all should just stop and watch the snow. Play a good song and just watch. People don't spend enough time watching things. Everyone is in such a rush to go places. To be someone. No one wants to watch the snow anymore. There are too many things to get done. Everyone around must be content. Everything must be right. No one watches the snow. Because it will always snow again.

snow
snow
snow
always
falling

are you watching...

Can't shake this little feeling

2009-01-10T12:30:00.003-05:00

I went to a "gathering" for a Wilkes function the other night. It was a room packed with writers and professors. Then there was me. Don't get me wrong I had some good conversation with like two people. All I have to say is thank god for Jim Warner saving me from standing awkwardly the whole time. Anyway I got home and wrote this at like 11 when I was half asleep.

Caught in the middle. Stuck between two walls. One of drywall. One of people. Laughing. Talking. Catching up. Playing nice. Small talk. No talk. Meaningless words. Nothing negative all positive. All the time. It's moments like these where life seems so small. Caught in the middle. People surrounding. People that I will only ever see in those fleeting moments. Will the dust of time and the intertwining of fate ever leave me shaking your hand a second time?And if I do know you from some distant lost memory tossed into the drawer labeled "Gatherings", will you know me? Will we exchange quick awkward words that have been repeated three times in the last three minutes to the three other people? Will this ultimately end with a smile and a "good to see you". Then its back to the drawer for you. I just want to rip out that drawer containing these lost people and find those whose "I'm doing well and you?" was different that the one before. Whose casual conversation had turned from awkward to showing light and personality to that person, who had been nothing only two second ago. Where did those people go and why must the be stuffed in that drawer?! I wish to know them and why they are a different type of sand on this lonely beach.

You make this all go away.

2009-01-06T16:37:00.004-05:00

I still recall the taste of my tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore.
Come on tell me. Make this all go away. You make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing. And I'm starting to scare myself. Make this all go away. You make this all go way. I just want something. I just want something I can never have You always were the one to show me how Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This is slowly take me apart. Grey would be the color if I had a heart. I just want something I can never have. In this place it seems like such a same. Though it all looks different now, I know its still the same Everywhere I look you're all I see. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be. Come on tell me. Make this all go away. You make this all go away. Im down to just one thing. And Im starting to scare myself. Make this all go away. You make this all go way. I just want something. I just want something I can never have I just want something I can never have Think I know what you meant. That night on my bed. Still picking at this scab I wish you were dead. You sweet and perry ellis. Just stains on my sheets.

So I finally got Pretty Hate Machine by NIN. Mostly because I wanted that song. There is just something about NIN lyrics that I love. I mean I love a lot of lyrics, but all for very different reasons. NIN are just so raw. They don't skate around things with fancy words. They are just like BAM this is what they are. They are also easily to relate to. This song is not my favorite NIN song, but I do love a certain line of the song. Like...Grey would be the color if I had a heart. Grey. such a beautiful color to describe things. Cold. Meaningless. Lonely. Such a simple, but amazing line. I love lines of songs that just jump out and hit a chord in my throat. I'll share some with you.
"and you may be acquainted with the night but i have seen the darkness in the day and you must know it is a terrifying sight because you and i are living the same way"

from Astronaut by Amanda Palmer

"Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away"

from Into the Void by Nine Inch Nails

There are many more that I love, but I'm tired of thinking. more later.

im not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand.

2009-01-04T00:14:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year everyone. Which is no one because this blog is mostly unread. So right at this moment I am listening to Who Killed Amanda Palmer. Holy shit. this album never seems to get old or boring. It has this level of awesomeness that keeps hitting me over and over again. I'm listening to her on these awesome headphones. It feels like she is sitting in the same room and whacking the shit of a piano and sounding amazing. This is what I have to say about Amanda Palmer. (this is from my other blog, but I'm going to put it up on this one too). What I love about Amanda is she makes sure to show the world she is human. I read her blogs. I watch the videos she puts up. She just wants to be human. She lets her fans be a huge part of her life. It makes me and I'm sure many people feel extremely connected with her even if they have only see her on stage or listened to her music. I respect this so much. I mean we can all think of musicians or authors or whom ever where they almost don't seem real because the are so 2-D to the fans. Amanda is not like this. She is in love with the fans just as much as they are in with her. I also think this open mentality rubs off onto her fans. I went to the concert in Philly in November. I was just chatting with people while freezing outside in the cold. Everyone had their arms around each other during Global Warming by Vermilion Lies. Then Amanda talks to the crowd, answers their questions, sings without a mic, and stays after the concert and signs and hugs and kisses until there is no one left waiting. Then the Danger Ensemble though very surreal they come in amongst the crowd, perform in the middle of the floor, and take money in boots. Everything is just so real, so beautiful, and so human. So Amanda feel our love because we feel yours.

So on other notes. I have been thinking about writing. My writing. Its just something that is so much part of me. Like I don't really think too hard when I write. It all just flows off my fingers. Its like these characters are out there and i'm the only way they are ever going to get their stories out there. Stories that have to be told. Its not like I'm a whack job. I know they aren't real. Its just they are so real to me that sometimes I have to sit back and look. Thinking I made up this people. They came from my head. Dear god. I'm messed up sometimes. Here's a small section of the book I'm working on.

"I walked over to the window. I could see the dim light from her house. I could see her in her room, paper towel in one hand and Windex in the other. Her forehead was pressed against the glass and her eyes were closed, again. Her breath was fogging the glass a little more each time she exhaled. The paper towel slipped from her fingers, her palm found the cool glass. She moved so her cheek was pressed against the glass. The bottle of Windex disappeared and that palm found the glass. Her body rose and fell with each breath. It was like she wanted the glass to give way to her weight."

I don't understand myself sometimes. Why do I make these characters? I never make a normal person. Maybe because there is no normal. I really think that everyone is very different on the inside. I also have this sympathy for all people. I think everyone has a side that they keep inside because its just something that shouldn't be let out. Maybe its something that shouldn't be let out. Maybe it should. We don't know because its in your head. It is your inner thoughts. I am in love with the way people think. Its not like I figure out the way a person thinks and I try to change them to a way that will healthy for them. I just want to know how they think. If they don't like that they can take steps to change. Or they could just be like I like me the way I am. Then I would just back off.

So some more rambling. I'm very shy and hard to talk to the first time. Most would place me as an introvert. Phyiscally I am an introvert. In my mind I am more leaning to the extrovert. Like I find other people feed my engery. if that makes any sense. When I'm in a crowd. I watch people and feel their energy. Then I retreat into my thoughts. So maybe I'm both. Maybe the classifications don't even matter.

say love. Love's gonna get you down.

2008-12-28T14:23:00.004-05:00

Hello. I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I thought I would blog because its better than doing nothing. I also have comments on somethings that I have gotten for chirstmas and somethings that I have seen over my break so far.

So music first! I got two cds.

First one. Great Northern. Trading Twilight for Daylight.
I found this band like three years ago. Finally someone got it for me for chirstmas. It wasn't as good as I remember it. But it is still really good. Its good music to just chill out to, but have something good to listen to. I also think its going to be a band that will grow on me.

Second one. The Gaslight Anthem. 59 Sound. I love Gaslight. I only had sink or swim before. Now I have 59 sound. I don't have much to say about it, but check it out. I really love it. Just makes my love for this band grow. <3

Movies. I watched Hellboy 2 Golden Army and was highly disappointed. It kinda upset me. Like I loved Hellboy. I also loved Pan's Labryith by the same director. The special effects were amazing. Don't get me wrong. It was really the plot. There was no real great build up in the plot. it was just there. At points very cheesy. disappointing.

Books. I HAVE BOUGHT BOOK THIEF!!! FINALLY!!! This book is one of the most brilliant books I have ever read. If you have not read this book, just off your butt and get this book. I mean if I had to make a list of the most well written books (first off it would take three years) but this book would be on there up with books like Scarlet Letter, Dairy of Ann Frank, Wuthering Heights, etc. It is moving. Not to mention the most beautiful witting that I had read in a while.

I also bought The Picture of Dorian Gray. Like I didn't even know what the heck this book was. I hate to admit but I first heard of Dorian Gray on League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Sad, I know, but hey he was my favorite character in the movie. So I saw this book on the shelf at Barnes & Noble and was like THIS IS THE BOOK HE WAS FROM! Like I had heard of the author. Oscar Wilde. I mean I'm not from a box, but I didn't know this was a book by him. His only novel. I am super pumped to read it now. My dad says that its a very good book. so YAY! I was just looking up pictures of Oscar Wilde. He is not ugly at all. I love the clothing of the 1800's. So I just look at these pictures and its really well...here ill let you look... (DUMB BLOGGER LET ME COPY AND PASTE!!!)

http://www.cathedralcatholic.org/academics/homework/johnson/Oscar%20Wilde.jpg

http://nachtverhalen.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/o-wilde.jpg

So I'm thinking I should wrap this up. I like lists. How about you? Do you like lists? haha. well I don't like lists of things to do. I like lists of random things. So here is my list of my favorite songs right this moment. like THIS VERY MOMENT. (btw if you click on the song titles it will take you to a youtube video of the song. There are amazing videos to the amanda palmer songs, but f-ing youtube and warner company need to die because they took them off. So I'm stuck with a weird video for runs in the family. and Astronaut isn't on youtube but its the good video.)

Coyotes by Jason Mraz
Runs in the Family by Amanda Palmer
Astronaut by Amanda Palmer
Opheliac by Emilie Autumn
Brother by Murder by Death
Telling Lies by Great Northern
59 Sound by The Gaslight Anthem

when the sun found the moon...she was drinking tea in the garden.

2008-12-24T09:43:00.002-05:00

Hello none of you who read this blog! Woo! Anyway if there happens to be a person reading this who is not like well Steve or my dad you might be saying "what the hell makes you so much more insane than me? Why would you name your blog drawing the line of insanity? WHY? YOUR NOT EVEN INSANE!!" well today I am going to answer that question. Why do I consider myself insane?
I don't think its so much that I'm insane, but they everyone is insane in a very different way. Those who sit there and say there is no way that I am insane. Are insane just for thinking that. I mean think what you want, but if you are spending your life trying to achieve normality your whole life...well thats just insane! How boring would life be? Embrace your insanity! Well unless you were like a murder before...then maybe you should just try to stay boring normal...anyway. Am I more insane than you? well that depends on who you are. Like Steve would want to say he is more insane that me, but thats simply not possible. My dad is more insane than me because I had to learn it from somewhere. I also believe that i have a pretty awesome insane side. like I have a certain mood where I just want to lick people. Then if someone is sitting down and i can see their shoelaces, I get this urge to untie them. Weird. I know.
Drawing a line of insanity...We are all given a blank sheet that we call our mind. on this blank paper we draw everything that is who we are. actions. habits. emotions. reaction. likes. dislikes. then we take out the black permanent marker and we draw a line. Between what we call normal and everything that just does not fit under normal. Some people draw the line and there is so much more normal that there is insanity. Some people just forget to draw the line. Some people just didn't know how to draw at all. Some people just don't have the marker to draw such a line.

Have a great Christmas everyone. Those who don't celebrate that. Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, happy every religious holiday that falls around this time!

I hope in the end you will see.

2008-12-22T16:08:00.002-05:00

Day two of this mighty blog. So I forgot, I love movies too so movies will become part of this blog. I haven't watched any movies in a while so no info on that at this moment.

So I got two CDs from people today. Well Steve burned me one and a friend lent one to me. I also got some Emilie Autumn. (Steve. A good friend of mine. If you like amazing music reviews check out his blog > http://staticunderwater.blogspot.com/)
Anyway. Steve gave me a copy of Mewithoutyou, Catch for us The Foxes. I had heard mewithoutyou before from him and wasn't really sure what to think of them. They vocals are very out of the box and unusual for anything that any people in mainstream alternative listeners have ever heard. The vocals are very punk like. Sometimes I have think is he singing or just screaming? Either way it has a very distinct awesome sound. Plus the lyrics are like AMAZING.
Second CD. lent to me by my bud Jim Martin. Skindred, Babylon. More about them at a later date. I have like a million things I should be doing and this is not one of them. Ill report about them later.
Then there is Emilie Autumn. I have known about her for a while, but haven't owned any of her music. I really like her. She has very different sorta sound. like I harpsichords, violins infused with some industrial electronic sounds. Then her voice is all over the place. Like sometimes its harsh but then she can full out sing where its completely beautiful. Dark lyrics. A beautiful infusion of awesomeness.

Writing.
I haven't written anything in the past day, but I will leave you with a parting poem. That I wrote a while ago. So here it is. Enjoy.

You make me want to tear myself open.

I want to show you what is inside.

My worn faded memories are what keep me

From letting the down pour of insanity leak from my eyes

I thought I was lost in the labyrinth of loveless lies.

You freed me from my constant torment.

Yet I still cannot see you.

I will not let found love

Fall from my limbs.

I want to be strong

In you eyes

Even though my mind is screaming.

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself.

2008-12-21T18:28:00.003-05:00

Blogs. I'm addicted to them. I use my myspace blog. I constantly write on my livejournal blog. I know my friend steve made a blog on this to give music reviews. So I made this my "special" blog. What makes this blog so special? Unlike my livejournal, this is going to be a serious blog about my writing, what I'm reading, and new music. If you want to suggest music or books to me feel free to leave a comment and let me know.

What have I been writing recently...

I wrote my narrative for governor's school today. I started it of with a Nine Inch Nails quote and then told how that quotes embodied my writing style. I would share the whole thing with you, but its really not all that interesting. I will share a segment of it though.

"Writing is who I am. It is such a part of me. My characters all reflect a part of me in a very subtle way. Sometimes I forget they are just people that I created because they feel so real. They are so human and full emotions that I breathe. If writing slips away from my sleepless mind like forgotten dreams then the essence of me has been forgotten like those dreams."

What I have been reading...

I started two books last night. One I got so sick of by page 20 that I had to put it down. That one was called General Winston's Daughter. It wasn't that bad of a book, but I was just not captivated by it. It didn't have a voice that made it stand out. The characters were a bit predictable by just the 20th page. So I put that down and picked up a book that I hadn't read in at least three years. I opened Inkheart. They are making a movie from this book. I don't think the movie will hold up to the excellence of this book. I mean its no Harry Potter, but it's really worth a read because it is really different.

What I have been listening to...
Today I have listened to a lot of music (as usual). I found this artist called Johnny Flynn the other day. I thought he was just okay when I first started listening to him. But I have been addicted to it and learned to love him. He sounds interesting. As I said to someone, If you like Noah and the Whale and contemporary folk music check him out. He has a different voice.

I think I'm going to post what I'm listening to as I wrap up this blog each time. so I am listening to Tokyo Moon by Windmill.