it wont take long to get where I'm going

So I saw Les Chansons D'amour!!! I have been waiting to see this movie since I saw the trailer for it sometime last year. Then my dearest friend Hilary bought it. It came in yesterday I watched it with her. So all the waiting was totally worth it. This movie is awesome. Now for me there is a difference between a really good movie and an emotionally moving movie. A really good movie I like and think oh I like this this and this about it. I watch it a few times and always enjoy it. An emotionally moving movie, I watch it and I think that was amazing. Then hours later I'm still sitting there thinking that way amazing. I can't stop thinking about. I just want to write for hours I get stuck in that movie for days. That is Les Chansons D'amour for me. Its a beautiful blend of so much. There is love. There is loss. There is grief. There is pain. There is happiness. It is just awesome. It is very foreign with the whole menage trois and the some gay relationship thrown in there. Then just the way everything is thrown together. all very foreign film. totally worth seeing. I give it four stars.

I think I'll wait another year.

I spent this weekend with friends. It was a much needed break from my family. I love them, but its just an overload with all the change that is happening.

So I opened my sent email folder the other day and found that I have never deleted a single sent mail. I had every single email that I had ever sent. Sadly it was only about 1500 something. I have had it for like three years. yeah. anyway. the point of that is I could look at myself from a few years ago and see how much differenet I am now. It also makes me see how much I am the same. I hate looking at how much I am the same. I am so paranoid. Its not even healthy. Well, enough of that.

I have love for falling snow. I don't like it as much when its on the ground and not falling from the sky. When its falling from the sky its peaceful. Slow. I like it when it falls slowly. Like its taking its time to hit the ground. Its no rush to get anywhere. Its relaxed. We all should just stop and watch the snow. Play a good song and just watch. People don't spend enough time watching things. Everyone is in such a rush to go places. To be someone. No one wants to watch the snow anymore. There are too many things to get done. Everyone around must be content. Everything must be right. No one watches the snow. Because it will always snow again.

snow
snow
snow
always
falling


























are you watching...

Can't shake this little feeling

I went to a "gathering" for a Wilkes function the other night. It was a room packed with writers and professors. Then there was me. Don't get me wrong I had some good conversation with like two people. All I have to say is thank god for Jim Warner saving me from standing awkwardly the whole time. Anyway I got home and wrote this at like 11 when I was half asleep.


Caught in the middle. Stuck between two walls. One of drywall. One of people. Laughing. Talking. Catching up. Playing nice. Small talk. No talk. Meaningless words. Nothing negative all positive. All the time. It's moments like these where life seems so small. Caught in the middle. People surrounding. People that I will only ever see in those fleeting moments. Will the dust of time and the intertwining of fate ever leave me shaking your hand a second time?And if I do know you from some distant lost memory tossed into the drawer labeled "Gatherings", will you know me? Will we exchange quick awkward words that have been repeated three times in the last three minutes to the three other people? Will this ultimately end with a smile and a "good to see you". Then its back to the drawer for you. I just want to rip out that drawer containing these lost people and find those whose "I'm doing well and you?" was different that the one before. Whose casual conversation had turned from awkward to showing light and personality to that person, who had been nothing only two second ago. Where did those people go and why must the be stuffed in that drawer?! I wish to know them and why they are a different type of sand on this lonely beach.

You make this all go away.

I still recall the taste of my tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore.
Come on tell me. Make this all go away. You make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing. And I'm starting to scare myself. Make this all go away. You make this all go way. I just want something. I just want something I can never have You always were the one to show me how Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This is slowly take me apart. Grey would be the color if I had a heart. I just want something I can never have. In this place it seems like such a same. Though it all looks different now, I know its still the same Everywhere I look you're all I see. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be. Come on tell me. Make this all go away. You make this all go away. Im down to just one thing. And Im starting to scare myself. Make this all go away. You make this all go way. I just want something. I just want something I can never have I just want something I can never have Think I know what you meant. That night on my bed. Still picking at this scab I wish you were dead. You sweet and perry ellis. Just stains on my sheets.

So I finally got Pretty Hate Machine by NIN. Mostly because I wanted that song. There is just something about NIN lyrics that I love. I mean I love a lot of lyrics, but all for very different reasons. NIN are just so raw. They don't skate around things with fancy words. They are just like BAM this is what they are. They are also easily to relate to. This song is not my favorite NIN song, but I do love a certain line of the song. Like...Grey would be the color if I had a heart. Grey. such a beautiful color to describe things. Cold. Meaningless. Lonely. Such a simple, but amazing line. I love lines of songs that just jump out and hit a chord in my throat. I'll share some with you.
"and you may be acquainted with the night but i have seen the darkness in the day and you must know it is a terrifying sight because you and i are living the same way"

from Astronaut by Amanda Palmer

"Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away"

from Into the Void by Nine Inch Nails

There are many more that I love, but I'm tired of thinking. more later.

im not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand.

Happy New Year everyone. Which is no one because this blog is mostly unread. So right at this moment I am listening to Who Killed Amanda Palmer. Holy shit. this album never seems to get old or boring. It has this level of awesomeness that keeps hitting me over and over again. I'm listening to her on these awesome headphones. It feels like she is sitting in the same room and whacking the shit of a piano and sounding amazing. This is what I have to say about Amanda Palmer. (this is from my other blog, but I'm going to put it up on this one too). What I love about Amanda is she makes sure to show the world she is human. I read her blogs. I watch the videos she puts up. She just wants to be human. She lets her fans be a huge part of her life. It makes me and I'm sure many people feel extremely connected with her even if they have only see her on stage or listened to her music. I respect this so much. I mean we can all think of musicians or authors or whom ever where they almost don't seem real because the are so 2-D to the fans. Amanda is not like this. She is in love with the fans just as much as they are in with her. I also think this open mentality rubs off onto her fans. I went to the concert in Philly in November. I was just chatting with people while freezing outside in the cold. Everyone had their arms around each other during Global Warming by Vermilion Lies. Then Amanda talks to the crowd, answers their questions, sings without a mic, and stays after the concert and signs and hugs and kisses until there is no one left waiting. Then the Danger Ensemble though very surreal they come in amongst the crowd, perform in the middle of the floor, and take money in boots. Everything is just so real, so beautiful, and so human. So Amanda feel our love because we feel yours.

So on other notes. I have been thinking about writing. My writing. Its just something that is so much part of me. Like I don't really think too hard when I write. It all just flows off my fingers. Its like these characters are out there and i'm the only way they are ever going to get their stories out there. Stories that have to be told. Its not like I'm a whack job. I know they aren't real. Its just they are so real to me that sometimes I have to sit back and look. Thinking I made up this people. They came from my head. Dear god. I'm messed up sometimes. Here's a small section of the book I'm working on.

"I walked over to the window. I could see the dim light from her house. I could see her in her room, paper towel in one hand and Windex in the other. Her forehead was pressed against the glass and her eyes were closed, again. Her breath was fogging the glass a little more each time she exhaled. The paper towel slipped from her fingers, her palm found the cool glass. She moved so her cheek was pressed against the glass. The bottle of Windex disappeared and that palm found the glass. Her body rose and fell with each breath. It was like she wanted the glass to give way to her weight."

I don't understand myself sometimes. Why do I make these characters? I never make a normal person. Maybe because there is no normal. I really think that everyone is very different on the inside. I also have this sympathy for all people. I think everyone has a side that they keep inside because its just something that shouldn't be let out. Maybe its something that shouldn't be let out. Maybe it should. We don't know because its in your head. It is your inner thoughts. I am in love with the way people think. Its not like I figure out the way a person thinks and I try to change them to a way that will healthy for them. I just want to know how they think. If they don't like that they can take steps to change. Or they could just be like I like me the way I am. Then I would just back off.

So some more rambling. I'm very shy and hard to talk to the first time. Most would place me as an introvert. Phyiscally I am an introvert. In my mind I am more leaning to the extrovert. Like I find other people feed my engery. if that makes any sense. When I'm in a crowd. I watch people and feel their energy. Then I retreat into my thoughts. So maybe I'm both. Maybe the classifications don't even matter.